Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.