I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
me when I see my crush