Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
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Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
For the baby who has everything
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Fight
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click