British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
bad news gang
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.