@ArfMeasures: [restaurant] DATE: Tell me something naughty about you ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven't brought any money

@PS_IRuddYou: 7yr old: What's 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1? Me: Math

@ReelQuinn: "Please don't do this." - my voice mail greeting

@trumpetcake: Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

@abrosenthal: A study found that Buzzfeed is the least trusted news source in media. Serves them right for telling me I belong in Hufflepuff.