British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
my first dose meeting my second
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Dolls on drugs
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition