british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
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I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services