british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
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I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!