BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Cat.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me