“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
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If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I mean…but I did
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control