Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not