“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?