Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.