Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
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The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.