Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie