@two1ohhbabydoll: "Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong." - murderers, apparently.
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@ItsAndyRyan: Capt of Titanic: "Mayday! We are sinking" Coastguard: "What happened?" *Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle* Capt: "Iceberg"
@sofarrsogud: The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
@NYC_Blonde: Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
@lawyerthoughts: *throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*