@two1ohhbabydoll: "Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong." - murderers, apparently.
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@dshack8: Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
@audipenny: *carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
@BuffyMaddingly: Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that's for sure