Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
You Might Also Like
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.