FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The biggest mystery of our time
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.