Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
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[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.