So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
You Might Also Like
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.