I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
consequences, the bane of my existence
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Personal question. #JustSaying
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?