You Might Also Like
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Ok who’s got my black socks?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.