I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Just had my nails done!
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.