bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
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How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
buys donuts instead
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude