[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?