“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
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I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
do horses think humans are hats
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Seek kebab; not attention
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF