“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.