“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes