BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.