Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Meow
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.