Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I can’t stop laughing at this