Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case