My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.