[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
You Might Also Like
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Home is where your toilet is.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My blood type is coffee.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!