Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before