Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.