BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I’m a bad influence on myself.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.