@aguywithnolife: brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.
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@TheCiscoKidder: Wife: Go out for breakfast? Me: Sure! Wife: Ok, let me shower first. *showers, dresses & puts on makeup* Me: Where should we have lunch?
@timdonakowski: When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
@Douchekevin: I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew. So I keep the curtains closed.