@aguywithnolife: brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.
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@MelKassel: ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands? VET: where exactly is your dog ME: he's uh coming later
@cupcakelynda: Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
@afbradstone: Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
@pleatedjeans: new boss: mind sharing an office? me: no NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed