@aguywithnolife: brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@markedly: What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
@rickolantern: My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I'd have to stay away from carbs So I've been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
@TheAlexNevil: I've had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said "C'mon, can't we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes."
@OmarImranTweets: "Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop" Ok hold up *pulls out iphone* "Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop" ISIS:"ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?"