@aguywithnolife: brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.
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@brianbowman73: How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell.
@FuckabillyRex: That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you're already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.
@DomBorrett: Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
@nerdreign: Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.