If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Jogging
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.