Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
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old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.