Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook