Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
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There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*