@Brianhopecomedy: Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.
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@LostCatDog: Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop
@Allison_Tolman: Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys. Me: Like sitting on paper bags? Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner. Me: Oh.