@Brianhopecomedy: Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.
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@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
@jazmasta: Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there'll only be 2 "hits"; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.
@WritePlay: TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket? ME: You shut your mouth TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
@JayTuvz: I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.