@Brianhopecomedy: Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.
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@TEAMP2007: Sometimes my kid likes me, but I'm pretty sure it's only because I'm his Oreo dealer.
@LOsepyan: When someone says "surprise me", I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
@upsidedowntrash: After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt