Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”