Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
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I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*