bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn鈥檛 write it.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Waiters who dont write stuff down鈥攚hat do you win?
This kid鈥檚 parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
At least he tried.. twice.. 馃槄
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU鈥橰E GOING TO OUR SON鈥橲 BIRTHDAY
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD