Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?