Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
what it’s like dating me:
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?