BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
same energy
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak