[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
your honor my client chooses dare
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you