[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.