BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?